every coffee order ranked
11 drinks enter. one leaves victorious.
contents: intro (coffee shop blues) // 11th-6th // interlude (the strangest drink on earth) // 5th-1st // outro
intro (coffee shop blues)
after last week’s rather sincere post about the emotional importance of eating correctly, this newsletter will be something much more low stakes; passing judgement on coffee orders. if you’ve been outside at any point in your life you most likely would’ve encountered (and maybe even frequented) a coffee shop. in my opinion, coffee shops should be judged under three criteria:
how good is the coffee itself?
is the coffee good value?
do you feel a sense of superiority when you are seen doing work or reading a book inside this cafe? or even just holding their takeaway coffee cup in public?
these highly sophisticated criteria render finding the right coffee shop a difficult process. built-for-function coffee places such as greggs and mcdonalds serve their purpose at a low cost but don’t extend themselves any further. you could always opt for the mainstream choices but quite frankly you’re not going to gain any sort of social standing for ordering a costa, and so it often falls to the small coffee chains to satisfy. but even these are a minefield of high prices and a strange over-seriousness about coffee that seems to taint any drink you get there. fads like nitro-brew and butter coffee are born from people who misunderstand coffee to be a replacement for real self-fulfilment, and these people should never be on the other side of the counter from you, they need to be on the other side of the world.
and god forbid you want to treat yourself to cake or sandwich at these establishments. you’ll feel the hit on your bank statement like it’s a physical blow, and sometimes there’s a surcharge for eating in too. all you can do is go sit down with your coffee and focaccia knowing that you’ve been swindled. in your peripheral vision you clock the baristas laughing at you for actually believing that the sandwich you’re holding will be worth the £7 you paid for it. these are the trials and tribulations you must go through to find the establishment for you.
but your choice of coffee shop is only one step in gaining social capital, you need to order the right thing as well. when you stand in front of your (statistically likely) queer barista and your coffee desire falls from your mouth, you are basically being put on trial. you’re being sized up and measured. the people around you are waiting to hear if they should respect you or not. and if you’ve ever wondered what coffee orders are going to earn you respect in this world then you are in the right place because I have thought far too long and hard about this subject. it will probably end in tears but we’ve got to get through this.
notes about this list:
I have chosen 11 of the most popular uk coffee orders, covering both hot and cold orders
flavourings/syrups are not taken into account
matcha is a separate entity to coffee and isn’t on this list
no frappe’s either…they are messed up
11th place - mocha
do you really want a mocha? really? or do you want a hot chocolate? it’s fine if you want a hot chocolate. no it’s not bad that we’re all getting coffee and you want something else! don’t feel pressured into it.
all jokes aside mochas are good but they really differ in quality wherever you go. there is something challenging about getting the chocolate flavour to balance with the espresso which most stores really don’t know how to do. sort of a war of browns when you really think about it. always leaves the mocha looking slightly murky…
let it be known that I used to order hot mochas when I first got into coffee because they are a great gateway drug! they really let you dip your toes into caffeine addiction without feeling bad. for this it gains some props. but we must be honest with ourselves here, you should just get a hot chocolate.
10th place - cappuccino
now we breach the foam conversation……to what end may I ask? what brought you here today? why do you appear upon my drink? do you flit about the world with no purpose? or do you hold that purpose close to your chest? all in all foam’s biggest achievement is making people be impressed by air. you can top it with chocolate all you want but it’s not gonna change my mind.
this drink’s showiness and strange popularity have created a hype around it that just doesn’t reflect the product correctly. it’s almost a commentary about influencer culture when you think about it… a drink stuck in the cycle of praise and hollow performance that will one day burst. believe me when I say this; cappuccinos are on the way out.
9th place - americano
I have been known to partake in an americano now and then. I order, I drink, I move on with my life. it’s certainly not gaining me any popularity though, and that’s what we really should be aiming for. I bet the barista chuckles to themself as they pull a nice espresso shot and then completely ruin it by topping the cup up with water. then they turn around and see me eager to pay for the damn privilege. egg on my face.
people on budgets: americanos are cheap and highly caffeinated but let’s get you aiming a little higher once in a while. let’s get a bit of variety in there.
8th place - iced latte
I have never fully grasped the appeal of an iced latte in the way that so many people do. I enjoy hot lattes and I’m a sucker for an iced drink but when we put these concepts together we get a drink that doesn’t have any oomph. I think it has to be said that alternative milks (which I partake in due to my lactose intolerance) don’t work as good cold as they do hot. and since the iced latte’s whole thing is the milk flavour, the ones that have graced my lips have been quite bland.
is this the one that gay people love? it would not surprise me since I seem to constantly question the taste levels of my own community. we must meet together and agree on a new drink to branch out into.
7th place - flat white
when was this invented? it feels like such a recent addition to the coffee canon. I am going to google it right now…..it’s contentious but most likely 1980’s…..wow the journey we just went on together. and it came from new zealand?! sorry I should’ve made sure you were sitting down before telling you something so shocking.
my mum loves this one so just know that if you order it in front of me it will inspire me to recall some maternal memories. I may even produce a wistful smile. and that’s a lovely image. besides that flat whites are pretty standard fare, no specific air of coolness but it’s not embarrassing by any measure.
6th place - espresso
I think this is people’s first idea of a ‘cool’ coffee order. and they do elicit a vague european sleekness that is undeniably cool. but for the most part espresso has sort of lost its edge in the great coffee race for me. sabrina’s song has something to do with this tbh; by appropriating its name into an infectious pop song about keeping someone up with sexual acts we sort of have to ignore the fact that its way too bitter to ever seem a sexually appealing drink. identity crisis impending, it will take a huge push from big coffee to rebrand into something new.
it should be noted that ordering an espresso is basically a confrontation. you are asking for a pure shot of coffee, free from milk or foam or syrup or whatever the hell else you all want to put in your drinks. while some cafes may go on about their (frankly perverse) manipulations of coffee beans, none of it matters when the espresso reaches your lips and you judge it on pure gustatory merit. more than that, you get to see whether the barista themself can pull a shot of espresso. you get to watch them do their quintessential gimmick. in a way you turn the coffee shop into a human zoo…and I don’t think that’s right but it happens nonetheless.
interlude (the strangest drink on earth)
have you ever partaken in an iced brown sugar oatmilk shaken espresso? I certainly have, I’ve even enjoyed it. but in preparation for this newsletter I thought I would look up what was in it and now things have changed. everything I learn about this drink makes me think it’s more of a potion than a coffee.
first of all: 3 espresso shots in the medium, 4 in the large. I don’t think we should be promoting this. give this to someone with a weak constitution or low caffeine tolerance and we could honestly turn them into some sort of mutant/zombie. we are letting establishments play with fire here. future patient zero walks among us.
secondly: 2 pumps of syrup for medium, 3 for large. so now not only are we causing a zombie outbreak, we’re giving them more energy for to run rampant across our streets. we’re on thin ice.
thirdly: it has 6 words in its title. something deeply disturbing about that. you could never warn your friends about what’s causing the zombie outbreak because no-one remembers the full name, not even the baristas. you say brown sugar at the drive through and baristas immediately tell you they know what you want and stop you from embarrassing yourself further.
now back to the list for the top 5.
5th place - cortado
you know I talked about espresso needing a rebrand? I think the answer lies in front of us. this is undeniably chic. this is is in different areas. whoever made this? instant kiss from me. just looked it up and it comes from around the basque country. thank you to the beautiful basque people for giving us something so simple yet so sleek.
you might not even get these in every single cafe…that’s called exclusivity baby! ask for one of these with a little wink and see if the barista knows what the hell you’re talking about. big points for being brave and asking for this.
4th place - iced mocha
I know I put mocha at the bottom of this list but HEAR ME OUT. this is a drink like no other. a cold chocolate coffee? surely this shouldn’t work…but oh god it does. the ice somehow intensifies the coffee and chocolate flavours and really bring it altogether. ordering a soya iced mocha during summertime is the peak of luxury for me. it make me feel so so good.
would I drink an iced hot chocolate? hell yes! I’m not afraid of the world of possibility like some of you. don’t knock it before you try it. it might change your world.
3rd place - double espresso (doppio)
another brilliant rebranding of espresso, however this time it’s less sleek and chic and more assertive and frightening. order one of these and everyone around you knows that you mean business. you’ve been THROUGH IT. you’re ordering not out of want or habit, you genuinely need this drink. you decided not to fuck around with a single and go straight to the big boy.
small warning: this order will gain you notoriety. you might not be able to shake off a certain perception people have of you. but don’t be scared. those with the eyes to see through their preconceived notions of what a doppio enjoyer is will understand who you really are.
2nd place - caffe latte
a beautiful classic. and for a good reason; everything is working together to create a harmonious coffee drink. the coffee gets offset buy a beautiful amount of milk that warms you from the inside. I thought that i would prefer the stronger coffee flavour of a flat white when I first tried one but I think a caffe latte carves itself its own lane and works because of it.
we aren’t even getting to the most beautiful part of it all; latte art. a true flex of a barista’s skills. my university’s cafe always serves me lattes with hearts on the top and while I don’t think it’s the most technically challenging shape to make, it lights up my day when I get it.
I’m about to google spongebob latte art and I will scream if it exists. OH MY GOD. I’m staring at spongebob patrick AND squidward on top of lattes. literally the best thing I’ve seen today.
1st place - iced americano
two years ago I went on a trip to japan to visit my friends who were teaching out there. during this time I made use of japan’s famous abundance of convenience stores that are open 24 hours a day. standing at the front of every shop is a coffee machine spewing out either americanos or lattes. within their freezers you can find ice cups that you can purchase, place under these machines, and receive an instant iced americano. I first had one of these drinks around 1 hour after I landed, and as it entered my tired, jetlagged body and reinvigorated me I knew that I would be hooked.
ever since, I have come to preach the virtues of iced americanos both in japan and here in the uk. the full bodied bitterness seems to be ten times as invigorating when cooled down with ice, making it a much superior order to the humble americano. I should say that this ranking is only for an iced BLACK americano. iced WHITE americanos can be lumped in with iced lattes. they are technically different but guess what? I don’t care. they are unimpressive to me.
outro
I’m always so endeared to people who say things like ‘don’t talk to me before my coffee’ or ‘coffee is the answer to all problems’. I think it demonstrates that coffee has sort of become a symbol of something bigger than itself; a sort of abstract miracle drink that is more sophisticated than other caffeinated drinks and more expressive than other hot drinks. but even with all these strange pretenses put upon coffee, it is quite nice to have an order picked out by you, for you. it’s comforting having a coffee in your hands whether that’s in a coffee shop or on the run with your takeaway cup.
deane x